Winter Depression

The sunlight burst its way through the crevices of the door into the living room, where I lay lazily on my mom’s yoga mat. My body melted onto the styrofoam surface of the mat and stuck to it, the sticky substance of candle wax on an envelope.

The sunlight beckoned me; and I suddenly yearned to bask in it, to absorb its warmth, to lay in it with both my eyes closed, a book in my hand, a journal on my lap, smelling the grass, feeling the wind brush against my cheeks.

Resisting the thick, stifling air of the living room, I tore myself away from the yoga mat and slowly put on my jacket and forced myself to step out of the house--closer towards the sunlight.

At first, the sunlight blinded my view--my eyes had adjusted a bit too much to the darkness of the apartment house. Then as the fog cleared, I could hear the birds chirping, the wind rushing past the tall grass, the bicycle wheels rolling steadily on the track, mixed with the crisp sound of footsteps treading on dry leaves and concrete.

And in front of me unfolded a bright white canvas--its intensity burning straight into the back of my eye-sockets, cleansing all the remaining clout, rinsing it from all must. It filled my whole periphery and seemed to stretch beyond, and I simply floated in that infinite canvas. The heat caressed my skin, and the sunlight embraced me.

And as I continued to float in that infinite space, I thought to myself: I want to savor more moments like this.

Having experienced my first depressing winter in Europe, I have gained an instant gratitude and appreciation of the sun. Most of my life, I’ve been exposed to the rays of the tropical sun: I walked to school in the light warmth of the sun and came back home treading in the strong mid-afternoon heat.

The immediate shift from tropical weather to the windy and wet weather of the Netherlands caused a concoction of problems: sleeping earlier, feeling down and low, not feeling safe walking at 5PM in my neighborhood. Although I didn’t fully recognize it back then, my body was probably thrown off by the shift. And back then, when I didn’t understand this, I attributed my low energy levels and mood to my laziness and my incompetency, which unarguably made me feel more isolated and depressed.

Now that the sun comes up earlier (much earlier) and falls down later, I realize a noticeable shift in my mood and energy levels; and I have a yearning for the sun that I’ve never had before. It’s funny to think how a simple thing like sunlight could change our mood of the day; and it truly humbles me to know how such the lack of such a simple thing can throw my whole physical rhythm and mental health off balance.

#gratitude #simplicity #winterdepression #sun