What Do You Want To Be?

“What do you want to be in the future?”

Unarguably one of the most common conversation topics when you try to get to know someone or when you are at an Asian family gathering (trust me, your auntie will pester you over and over again about your studies, your career path, and *cough* your dating life).

And it’s hard to answer.

How do I narrow the whole essence of my being to one thing, one label? Most times, I feel like I need to come up with the perfect, succinct answer--a position that will hit all the spots of financial success, career success, family, hospitality, service. I’ve practiced and practiced to answer my auntie, “Auntie, I want to study hard and get a PhD in Psychology, conduct research as I implement policies to help communities.”

But the more I think about narrowing myself into a career, the sicker it makes me feel. Why do I feel the need to have a “highly-recognized” job to be accepted by others or should I say to be accepted by myself?

Entering into university, I didn’t see much of what I anticipated to come out of being recognized in the academia world. Many of the professors seem so consumed and wrapped up in their own research, receiving awards and a ton of recognition. I might have the wrong impression; but from my observations, the professors seem too busy pursuing their research that they didn't find time to connect with the students. A lot of them seem enshrouded in statistics, facts, and narrowing everything down to biology, neural connections, chemicals--and sometimes it makes me feel uncomfortable to reduce a complex human experience to a set of neurons firing.

I’m not saying that pursuing a PhD is only to be looked at as a way to gain leverage and respect. I’ve met some professors who come from a place of real passion, helping special needs kids and helping to improve mental health service, cultivating more open minds. I myself love studying psychology and would love to continue my PhD in order to have more connections and a better knowledge to work in the specialization and help spread mental health awareness. But, there’s definitely a caveat of falling into the pit of self-entitlement and being more caught up in the impact that you make and the achievements you make in the field, instead of keeping your intentions genuine and liking the job.

Going to different cafes and meeting different cafe owners completely changed my whole perception that to make an impact you need to have a qualified degree, position, job. Many of the owners here in Amsterdam truly love what they do; they greet customers as if they were part of an old community; some also hold meditation, women support, and sustainability workshops.

And what astounds me is that none of this requires a degree or an academic qualification. Being a cafe owner doesn’t necessarily mean having a large platform to publicize their thoughts; but at least, the small connections they have seem genuine, down-to-earth, and impactful. They may not necessarily earn the approval of our Korean relatives; but at least some have spread warmth and compassion that I personally couldn’t feel in my lecture halls.

I realized that down the road, I might be a knowledgeable professor with a wide span of publication but without the right intentions might not have much of a positive, genuine impact as the cafe owner right across my street. I might be a rigid, busy, self-entitled PhD holder while the cafe owner enjoys his life, his interactions, is innovative with the non-profit and empowering workshops he hosts. And if I think about it, I would rather spend time with the cafe owner than that PhD holder who is stuck in her own ways and so fixated on her pursuing the “bigger” achievements, drowned in coffee, not having the time to enjoy the little things in life.

And if a job position doesn’t decide on the quality and sincerity of the impact you will make, what practical use is it to reduce your future into just a job? Without clarifying the true intentions, it really doesn’t say much about the person you will be.

In that case, it makes more sense to describe yourself as wanting to be maybe a compassionate person, maybe someone who devotes themselves to their community, builds genuine relationships, someone who gives gratitude to the little things in life, someone who is grounded, a good listener, an advocate and supporter of minorities. These qualities can be developed in all areas in life--constantly, regardless of what job you might have--and in a sense it gives you the freedom of not caging your identity to a career, which I personally think is healthy.

So the next time my auntie asks me “what I want to be in the future,” I think I’ll scratch out the constructed “PhD in Psychology” answer and say, “Auntie, I want to be a normal person, enjoying waking up, enjoying my daily walks, and making genuine connections with the people around me.” PERIOD.