21 Things I’ve Learned

These past few years have undeniably been the hardest years of my life–and I would like to think that it will remain so in the coming decade.

I’ve been growing out of the shell molded and hardened from my childhood and high school years. And I’ve combatted that natural process with doubt, anger, ignorance, resistance because everything inside me and going around me rejected the very principles I’ve been relying my existence on. 

Breaking out of that shell has caused me so much suffering–producing days I’d rather shut myself out of reality, wishing I’d be anything but alive. But hitting against my very own wall, letting myself break has completely freed me to remold myself and redefine my life. Now that I’m more stable, I can see the benefits of the break-remold pattern.

So, as I celebrate my 21st birthday today, here are the 21 things I’ve learned so far:

1. Friends come and go. Sometimes growing up means letting go of friendships that don’t serve you. Sometimes it’s about accepting the change and natural drifting apart.

2. You can’t fix someone. I’ve spent so much of my life trying to fix the people close to me–my family members, friends, significant others. I always thought that I had the responsibility to make them feel better or change them to meet my needs. In the end, however, if the change isn’t self-induced, chances are it’s impossible for you to change them. I've learned to accept some parts of them and to stop being so self-centered.

3. No matter how hard I try, there will always be people who won’t like me. I stopped pleasing people when I realized that there will always be people who won’t like me. There’s no deeper meaning to it. People are different; people have preferences. You can’t be everything, so let it go.

4. You will inevitably hurt some people along the way (whether you like it or not). Sometimes taking care of yourself and setting your boundaries might mean pushing people away or cutting them off. And sometimes what you think might have been the best for the other could have been exactly the opposite of what they needed. 

5. You aren’t supposed to be stuck in your teenage body. I’ve spent so much of my time comparing my body to my past body. Bodies are supposed to change to accommodate your needs, especially when you are in the process of becoming a fully-grown woman/man. Now, I’m learning to embrace my cellulite, my stretch marks, and my belly pooch. 

6. Don’t take your health for granted. Having my health taken away from me the past few years has made me realize how much our health impacts every aspect of our lives. I’ve had so many days where my mood was ruined because of my health and not being able to do the things I’ve wanted to do. Take care of your body, eat well, move your body, eat your vitamins. 

7. Whatever you are feeling right now (no matter how terrible and insufferable it may be), it will eventually pass. If I told myself this a year ago, I would have never believed it. Everything was so dark, and I couldn’t imagine a way out. But time really heals, and I’m glad to say I’m on the other side of it now.

8. Working through your childhood trauma will save you so much time in the long-term. I didn’t realize how much of my childhood beliefs have affected my late teen years and early adulthood. It still does now. But digging in and realizing these patterns have saved me from more hurt and self-sabotaging in the future.

9. Asking for help is the bravest thing you can do. Realizing that you aren’t capable of everything, accepting your flaws and finiteness, universally, these are some of the hardest things to accept. 

10. Learn how to process your feelings. Suppressing my feelings for years has resulted in anxiety and depression. I’ve learned that it’s easier to let go of my feelings if I sat with them and processed it. For me, I journal. 

11. Be your own parent. You can’t expect all the gaps to be filled by your parents. Although our parents love you so much, there are some limits as to how fast they can change or accommodate our needs. Also, we have to realize that they are flawed too. I’ve learned to be my own adult and take care of myself.

12. (Personally) Therapy is the best form of self-care. Therapy has taught me so much about myself and others. I also find it extremely helpful and objective because they tend to have less bias compared to the people in your inner circle.

13. Breathwork does wonders. Having dealt with severe anxiety, I realize how important it is to incorporate mindful breathing, whether through meditation, yoga, or exercise. When I find myself getting anxious, I pause and take a few deep breaths. This usually helps me to step back and gives me time to observe my situation/emotions.

14. Talk to yourself as if you are talking to your younger self/or as if you are your future self talking to your current self. It’s remarkable how much our negative self-talk and harsh self-criticism limits us. I found out how much room I have to grow once I’ve learned how to be gentle on myself.

15. Experience is the best way of learning. No matter how many books or articles I read about a subject, it will never amount to the way I could learn if I experienced it first-hand.

16. Prioritize your inner peace.

17. Take things at your pace. I used to compare myself to my other peers who have graduated first, gotten their first internships/jobs/cars. But I realize that my life has a different pace, just as these last few years of my life have been a phase for me to heal and grow.

18. Don’t assume someone’s feelings/thoughts. You only see a small part of the reality that the other person is experiencing. Don’t jump to conclusions, instead, try to really understand them and listen to them. 

19. Do before thinking (sometimes). Don’t overthink about something if you don’t know how it will go. Do it first and then decide later if you want to continue it. Don’t be trapped in a scenario that hasn’t happened yet.

20. Don’t take life too seriously. In the end, nobody really knows the answer to life nor the purpose. So it doesn’t hurt to have a bit of fun.

21. I will ALWAYS have space to grow and learn. I may be writing this list, thinking these are the most important lessons I’ve learned; but in a few years, they are bound to change. I want to be as flexible as I can.

I could list so much more, but these are the ones that I narrowed down to. I’m excited for the coming years, the heartaches, the joys, the experiences, the lessons. And to be honest, I can’t wait to be in my 30’s, where I hope I’ll be more stable in myself. 

If you resonate with any of these, let me know down in the comments. I would also love it if you had more to add. Thanks for reading :) and many loves.