The Dread of Being Alone

Confession. I hate being alone. More precisely, I hate thinking about the idea of being alone. As much as I have been self-sufficient, living independently in a foreign country, somewhat productive, and have a good selection of hobbies, I dread the stifling silence--the empty space that can be filled with my thoughts.

And to be frank, I'm scared of my thoughts. What other trait that I hate about myself will I start picking on? What other time that I made a mistake will I fixate on and start beating myself up? What other self-destructive mechanism will I use to cope with my self-loathing? You see, being with other people closes up the possibility of some of these thoughts to pop up. It diverts me from the fact that I feel depressed, empty, unmotivated, and anxious. When I'm alone, I feel that I'll continuously fall without anyone or anything to rely on. I don't know to which abyss my thoughts will drag me into, what I'll do to myself.

That's why I dread the nights. It's a time when I'm utterly alone, trapped in a room with my thoughts and myself. Sometimes the thoughts overpower me, leaving me with no vices but to rock myself back and forth from the shock.

But the other day, I had some extra time for myself. For some reason, I had the urge to go on a solo day trip to The Hague, in the Netherlands. Although it's only a one and a half hour trip from Amsterdam, for me it's a huge step, especially for someone who had extreme anxiety even stepping out of the front doorstep.

Seeing the blur of colors from the fields, rivers, and sky while riding the train, I realized this silence and solitude was exactly what I needed. Not to avoid it nor fear it, but to allow it to redeem itself to me and allow it to slowly soothe me. Walking through the streets of the old city, I thoroughly enjoyed my company and discovered that I still have inner strength, curiosity, and joy.

I realized that contrary to what I feared, I had control over my thoughts and actions. I didn't have to crouch and flinch from myself.