Allow Yourself to be a Mess

I've been an emotional and physical wreck these past few weeks--not being able to get out of bed, lacking the motivation and concentration to study, and having occasional breakdowns in the middle of conversations. I've been skipping meals, eating at random hours, eating LOTS of chocolate, not exercising, and not having the best morning or night routine.

These pattern of thoughts reoccur whenever I face emotional difficulty. And it helped me realize that I was still holding myself to impossible standards: having the perfect fitness routine, eating as healthy as possible, maintaining a good study routine, looking put-together for other people (All the things I thought I had let go of but was still unconsciously clinging onto because that was all I knew growing up.)

But the fact that I'm bothered about not meeting these standards means that I'm still grasping onto them.

Being in control of my life was (and still is) my biggest form of comfort. But I've been deceiving myself from the rawest troubles by covering them up with routine, work, and studying. I had left my emotional burden and loneliness to brew in me while I let my focus leak into other external areas in life. That way, I didn't need to face the real culprit.

What I need right now might not be the perfect diet or exercise routine. What I might need right now is full acceptance of the hole I'm in right now. Not faking that I'm thriving, not feigning good health or success, but being truly transparent with myself and the state I'm in. Allowing myself to be carried by the waves, exhausted by the force and chaos, and allowing myself to cry and extend my arms for help. The last thing I need is to put more pressure on myself to have everything perfect externally when I am crumbling inside.

Of course, having a consistent eating pattern and exercising might help me along the way; but it won't be the MAIN solution to my problems. It may alleviate some of the stress but won't tackle the roots of the problem. And the reason why we allow ourselves to derail from the actual problem stems from the deep fear of facing what's really in us. It's hard to accept where the problems truly come from.

But now, I'm in a place in life where I'm willing to fully face my fears to heal and break free from the cast I built around myself. I'm going to constantly remind myself to let go: let go of expectations, standards, and what I should be like. I will recognize how crushed I am, and look at myself clearly without rosy lenses--build myself up from the true state I'm in.